I just wish I could forget about her. Forget her name, her smell, her smile. I can't bring myself to delete the bookmarks, to block her so that I don't sit and stare at her picture for an hour at a time and think about her every second of the day. This is madness! It makes no sense to love someone who you know will never feel the same about you and even if they did, you could never give them what they need.
Just fucking forget about her and fall back into your old routine of being comfortably alone. The problem is, I was never comfortable alone, and she showed me how grand the universe could be. How amazing it is to spend time with someone other than yourself and have real conversations that have meaning to them. She showed me how warm it can be to snuggle close to someone and feel no anxiety or fear.
I've tried so hard not to express myself, to let everything go unsaid, to just let her drift away into what I hope will be happiness.
But the hours I have spent writing, only to hover over the post button and ultimately click on delete is nothing short of unsettling.
It's all for nothing, which is even fucking worse. There is no hope, there is no calling and saying, "I'm sorry, I was wrong." No matter how great it would feel to have her in my arms, we both know that I am not capable of making her happy, I'll never be able to be that person. But God fucking damn how great it would be just to hear her voice, to know that she is still kicking life's ass and doing her best.
I gave everything I had to it, I spoke nothing but truths. There were no lies told, I meant every fucking word! The truth is simply not enough, you have to be able to give more than that, and I'll never be able to.
This truly was the ultimate test and I failed. The one thing I learned is it will never happen again, I'll never let someone in like that again. Never.
I'm going back to the old me, the one who wears masks and does the dance of life without any real emotions getting involved. I'll play the part of the fool to perfection, make people laugh, show the world a good time, then crawl away to my bed to re-live the nightmare of my own existence, alone.
Just fucking forget about her and fall back into your old routine of being comfortably alone. The problem is, I was never comfortable alone, and she showed me how grand the universe could be. How amazing it is to spend time with someone other than yourself and have real conversations that have meaning to them. She showed me how warm it can be to snuggle close to someone and feel no anxiety or fear.
I've tried so hard not to express myself, to let everything go unsaid, to just let her drift away into what I hope will be happiness.
But the hours I have spent writing, only to hover over the post button and ultimately click on delete is nothing short of unsettling.
It's all for nothing, which is even fucking worse. There is no hope, there is no calling and saying, "I'm sorry, I was wrong." No matter how great it would feel to have her in my arms, we both know that I am not capable of making her happy, I'll never be able to be that person. But God fucking damn how great it would be just to hear her voice, to know that she is still kicking life's ass and doing her best.
I gave everything I had to it, I spoke nothing but truths. There were no lies told, I meant every fucking word! The truth is simply not enough, you have to be able to give more than that, and I'll never be able to.
This truly was the ultimate test and I failed. The one thing I learned is it will never happen again, I'll never let someone in like that again. Never.
I'm going back to the old me, the one who wears masks and does the dance of life without any real emotions getting involved. I'll play the part of the fool to perfection, make people laugh, show the world a good time, then crawl away to my bed to re-live the nightmare of my own existence, alone.
