Lessons Learned

Life has taught me one thing for certain, it was a good possibility before, but it has been cemented into fact now.

I will be alone, for as long as I live in this world, there will be no companion at my side. No lover to fall asleep with, no friend to share the random moments, no quirky pet names traded in a cute fashion. I will be, as I have almost always been, alone.

It is not a choice I have made or a proclamation that I stand and give voice to, it is simply a matter of being. I am incapable of ever giving enough to someone else to quench the desire in their soul. I lack the light, the warmth, and the comfort that is required. I lack the ability to be more than I am, and I do not know of a way to create that which is needed.

I am completely and without hope, broken. By soul, by body, and by mind. There is no other defining characteristic which can make up for the lack of being that I am or have become.

I am, above all else, nothing.

My Only Friend

March 27th, 2014

Looks like this may be the end of Jaime and I. I haven't had the funds for gas money in order to see her much lately. Today I had a Doctors appointment on San Dimas so I thought it would be cute to head to my grams, give her time to get Jacob fed and such, then slip over and surprise her.

That all back fired completely.

Once I was able to get out of there I slipped over and texted her, didn't get a reply but saw her curtains move and thought the game was up and she saw me so I went to the door and rang a few times but no answer. Then my over active imagination started to think that maybe she didn't want to see me. So I left and then apologized for just showing up via text. She replied with something along the lines of she thought I was trying to "catch her doing something" which was not even close but I guess I can see her point. That led to a phone conversation in which she said she felt like I was pulling away and that I wasn't trying to give her what she wanted.

That in itself floored me, because I have given every bit of me that I can, that I know how to. I guess it just isn't enough.

This is definitely it though, if I couldn't make a relationship work with someone as awesome as her, I am truly doomed to loneliness.