February 21st, 2014

February 21st, 2014

Can't help but wonder what an orchestra of life would look like if you played the ups and downs of day to day life in a musical format.

Things have been going pretty well, some days better than others. Been having a lot of dreams about my mom again. It seems like in the dreams she is always dying or under the impression that her death is imminent. They are not good dreams.

I've been trying hard to push away bad thoughts and embrace the good in life but sometimes it just seems futile to imagine that I could ever stumble my way out of this blackness. I am trying though, and no current plans are underway or even thought of, but I can feel it right there at my fingertips, fighting to grab hold and climb its way back into my thoughts.

I feel I am a disappointment to Jaime. There are things she needs from me that I just don't have the ability to offer, or don't posses at all. I love being with her, I love holding her, feeling her there against me, I'm hoping that I don't fuck this up but all I've ever known is failure and it is hard to imagine anything more in a realistic sense. I can dream about it all I want, but I fear she is already starting to pull away at times.

I know there are reasons, and things in her past that she is dealing with as well. It doesn't make it any easier that I have no idea how to help her. Hell, I can't even figure out how to help myself.

I'm growing more and more tired of living with constant pain, not just emotional turmoil but physical pain as well. If my kidney doesn't feel like it is trying to detach itself then its headaches, or both.

I don't even know why the fuck I'm writing.

Nothings changed. Nothing ever does. No matter how hard I smile.