Fuck it

I just wish I could forget about her. Forget her name, her smell, her smile. I can't bring myself to delete the bookmarks, to block her so that I don't sit and stare at her picture for an hour at a time and think about her every second of the day. This is madness! It makes no sense to love someone who you know will never feel the same about you and even if they did, you could never give them what they need.
Just fucking forget about her and fall back into your old routine of being comfortably alone. The problem is, I was never comfortable alone, and she showed me how grand the universe could be. How amazing it is to spend time with someone other than yourself and have real conversations that have meaning to them. She showed me how warm it can be to snuggle close to someone and feel no anxiety or fear.
I've tried so hard not to express myself, to let everything go unsaid, to just let her drift away into what I hope will be happiness.
But the hours I have spent writing, only to hover over the post button and ultimately click on delete is nothing short of unsettling.
It's all for nothing, which is even fucking worse. There is no hope, there is no calling and saying, "I'm sorry, I was wrong." No matter how great it would feel to have her in my arms, we both know that I am not capable of making her happy, I'll never be able to be that person. But God fucking damn how great it would be just to hear her voice, to know that she is still kicking life's ass and doing her best.
I gave everything I had to it, I spoke nothing but truths. There were no lies told, I meant every fucking word! The truth is simply not enough, you have to be able to give more than that, and I'll never be able to.
This truly was the ultimate test and I failed. The one thing I learned is it will never happen again, I'll never let someone in like that again. Never.
I'm going back to the old me, the one who wears masks and does the dance of life without any real emotions getting involved. I'll play the part of the fool to perfection, make people laugh, show the world a good time, then crawl away to my bed to re-live the nightmare of my own existence, alone.

Lessons Learned

Life has taught me one thing for certain, it was a good possibility before, but it has been cemented into fact now.

I will be alone, for as long as I live in this world, there will be no companion at my side. No lover to fall asleep with, no friend to share the random moments, no quirky pet names traded in a cute fashion. I will be, as I have almost always been, alone.

It is not a choice I have made or a proclamation that I stand and give voice to, it is simply a matter of being. I am incapable of ever giving enough to someone else to quench the desire in their soul. I lack the light, the warmth, and the comfort that is required. I lack the ability to be more than I am, and I do not know of a way to create that which is needed.

I am completely and without hope, broken. By soul, by body, and by mind. There is no other defining characteristic which can make up for the lack of being that I am or have become.

I am, above all else, nothing.

My Only Friend

March 27th, 2014

Looks like this may be the end of Jaime and I. I haven't had the funds for gas money in order to see her much lately. Today I had a Doctors appointment on San Dimas so I thought it would be cute to head to my grams, give her time to get Jacob fed and such, then slip over and surprise her.

That all back fired completely.

Once I was able to get out of there I slipped over and texted her, didn't get a reply but saw her curtains move and thought the game was up and she saw me so I went to the door and rang a few times but no answer. Then my over active imagination started to think that maybe she didn't want to see me. So I left and then apologized for just showing up via text. She replied with something along the lines of she thought I was trying to "catch her doing something" which was not even close but I guess I can see her point. That led to a phone conversation in which she said she felt like I was pulling away and that I wasn't trying to give her what she wanted.

That in itself floored me, because I have given every bit of me that I can, that I know how to. I guess it just isn't enough.

This is definitely it though, if I couldn't make a relationship work with someone as awesome as her, I am truly doomed to loneliness.

February 24th, 2014

February 24th, 2014   

Ok, pity party is over. I need to get to Biomat and donate plasma tomorrow so I have gas money to go see Jaime.

I don't know why it's so hard to get out of the house. There are plenty of things I want to do but in the end I just end up sitting here, doing absolutely nothing, and putting everything off for weeks at a time.

Glad I got to see her and Jacob though, they breathe such a needed relief into me and invigorate me better than a nice shower. I'd really be lost without them.

Another thing I need to do is see about finding a shrink, and maybe working through some of this bullshit.

February 21st, 2014

February 21st, 2014

Can't help but wonder what an orchestra of life would look like if you played the ups and downs of day to day life in a musical format.

Things have been going pretty well, some days better than others. Been having a lot of dreams about my mom again. It seems like in the dreams she is always dying or under the impression that her death is imminent. They are not good dreams.

I've been trying hard to push away bad thoughts and embrace the good in life but sometimes it just seems futile to imagine that I could ever stumble my way out of this blackness. I am trying though, and no current plans are underway or even thought of, but I can feel it right there at my fingertips, fighting to grab hold and climb its way back into my thoughts.

I feel I am a disappointment to Jaime. There are things she needs from me that I just don't have the ability to offer, or don't posses at all. I love being with her, I love holding her, feeling her there against me, I'm hoping that I don't fuck this up but all I've ever known is failure and it is hard to imagine anything more in a realistic sense. I can dream about it all I want, but I fear she is already starting to pull away at times.

I know there are reasons, and things in her past that she is dealing with as well. It doesn't make it any easier that I have no idea how to help her. Hell, I can't even figure out how to help myself.

I'm growing more and more tired of living with constant pain, not just emotional turmoil but physical pain as well. If my kidney doesn't feel like it is trying to detach itself then its headaches, or both.

I don't even know why the fuck I'm writing.

Nothings changed. Nothing ever does. No matter how hard I smile.

"Tough year so far then, huh?"

"Tough year so far then, huh?" He said after I told him about losing my own place, having no money coming in, the overwhelming desire to end my own sorry excuse for an existence, and no foreseeable job opportunities.

I smiled then, not because it was a defensive action to a hopeless situation, but because I never should have made it this far. I had felt as if my flower had withered, my leaves long since fallen off and churned into nothing more than dust in the breeze, roots rotten and gone. Yet here I am, standing in 2014 with a warmth I had long since given up hope of finding filling me with the desire to remain, to become greater than my past has allowed, to live.

What Once Was to Be the Last Words

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